21 March – 20 April
You receive a heart transplant from a kind donor, but give it to someone else the next day. You idiot! You’ve got seconds to live!
21 April – 21 May
You get stuck on the M50 until New Years.
May 21 – June 20
You get arrested by Matt Dillon.
June 21 – July 22
You keep saying no, but this creepy bastard keeps insisting you stay for one more drink. Don’t drink it. We’re fairly sure he spiked it.
July 23 – August 22
You go dashing around Finglas in a one-horse open sleigh.
August 23 – September 22
War isn’t over. We guess you just didn’t want it that much.
September 23 – October 22
You find out Mary Bradley has been cheating on you while you’re in the Somme.
October 23 – November 21
You drink too much wine and start eating the mistletoe. It’s poisonous! Spit it out!
November 22 – December 21
You wish it could be Christmas every day, just not today. You’re hungover as fuck.
December 22 – January 19
You have a shiny red nose, from serious alcohol dependency issues.
January 20 – February 18
It’s a marshmallow world in the winter; the kind that freezes pensioners and causes widespread traffic chaos.
February 19 – March 20
Your attempt to feed the world starts and ends with youself.