WWN Horoscope

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You receive a heart transplant from a kind donor, but give it to someone else the next day. You idiot! You’ve got seconds to live!

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You get stuck on the M50 until New Years.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You get arrested by Matt Dillon.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You keep saying no, but this creepy bastard keeps insisting you stay for one more drink. Don’t drink it. We’re fairly sure he spiked it.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You go dashing around Finglas in a one-horse open sleigh.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

War isn’t over. We guess you just didn’t want it that much.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You find out Mary Bradley has been cheating on you while you’re in the Somme.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You drink too much wine and start eating the mistletoe. It’s poisonous! Spit it out!  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You wish it could be Christmas every day, just not today. You’re hungover as fuck.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have a shiny red nose, from serious alcohol dependency issues.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s a marshmallow world in the winter; the kind that freezes pensioners and causes widespread traffic chaos.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your attempt to feed the world starts and ends with youself.  

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