AT the launch of their 2017 strategy earlier today the HSE informed members of the public who intended on becoming ill or injured to do so immediately and begin queuing if they wanted a place on a trolley in a crowded A&E in time for Christmas day.
“We’ve currently got 541 patients on trolleys, so as you can imagine it’s fairly crowded, start queuing to avoid disappointment,” explained one of 140,000 HSE managers in attendance at the plan launch.
“If you were planning on falling off a ladder or contracting some awful dose of something we’d suggest doing it in the next 5 minutes or so,” added the manager, keen to ensure the best care for incoming A&E patients.
When asked by a member of the public when someone should start queuing if they wish to have a bed, the HSE dismissed beds as a cruel fabrication invented by the media to cause trouble.
“We don’t want people waiting in the A&E for hours, days on end in the run up to Christmas unless we know that at some point they can be put on a trolley in a corridor somewhere, so this is why we need to get the word out,” concluded the manager.
With €14 billion allocated to the HSE to spend in the next year, there is raised expectation that a solution to myriad problems with the health sector can be resolved.
“Well, that €14 billion will only last us until the end of January I’d say, but safe to say we’ll keep HIQA on their toes, God love them”.