WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Typical! You go to your wife’s office Christmas party and the next thing you know, you’re running around getting shot at by a bunch of terrorists. 

taurus

21 April – 21 May

An angel shows you what the world would be like if you were never born, and it looks pretty good to be honest.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your attempts to burgle a house are undone by a ten-year-old child who breaks your face and sets you on fire.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You dream of a white Christmas, just like the one you used to know, remember, the one a few years back when there was widespread traffic chaos and everyone was miserable.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Three ghosts will visit you on Christmas eve. That’ll be nice, to have a bit of company.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You make sure to check your shitter, to see if it’s full.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You take your kids to see Santa in town, and he claims to be the real one. You call the guards and get him fired.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You show up at your mates house to tell his missus that you love her. He comes out and fucking decks you.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You shoot your eye out.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A man dressed as an elf claims to be your son, in fairness you did bareback a lot of women in your early 20s so it’s not unlikely that you’ve a few kids you’ve never heard of.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your kid asks you to get this year’s must-have toy, but the shops are all sold out. Tough shit kid. Deal with it,

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You lose one of your kids in the airport, and spend the next 4 years in jail for child neglect.

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