95% Of Irish Binge-Drinkers May Not Be Getting Enough Soakage

A DAMNING new report has suggested that the vast majority of Irish binge-drinkers may not be getting the adequate amount of soakage in their stomachs before going out on the lash.

A staggering 95% of hard-drinking Irish men and women admitted that they rarely eat slices of dry bread, plates of rice or spuds, or whole bunches of bananas before they hit the town for the night, leading to extreme drunkenness after just 10 or 11 pints.

In even more startling news, many drinkers felt that soakage could be eaten at the end of the night, and that having a kebab or a bag of chips on your way home could somehow undo the effects of 7 straight hours of drinking.

“You need to fill up your belly with starchy foods before you fill it with alcohol; it’s just science” said Dr. Philip Glass, chief researcher for the Irish Soakage Society.

“That way, your noodles or your microwave popcorn or whatever you chose to eat will lessen the effect of downing tequila like it’s going out of fashion. Without soakage, Irish people would be going out and getting horrendously drunk every weekend, falling around the place, fighting, filling up the A&E departments, generally behaving like fucking idiots”.

Glass went on to state that while cutting back on binge-drinking would be better for the Nation overall, increasing the amount of soakage people eat ‘before they go on the tear’ is by far the more realistic approach.