21 March – 20 April
Your family stages a Selection Box intervention for you.
21 April – 21 May
Even though you’re unemployed, you have a Christmas work party for yourself, consisting of you drinking cans in the house.
May 21 – June 20
To wean yourself off sniffing glue, you start sniffing Pritt Stik.
June 21 – July 22
You finally complete a marathon! Running one mile a fortnight throughout the year counts, right?
July 23 – August 22
You’re looking forward to getting lots of shower gel sets for Christmas, and the two months of cleanliness that follows before you go back to being a smelly ape-person.
August 23 – September 22
If you don’t weigh yourself, you can convince yourself you don’t need to go to the gym.
September 23 – October 22
Be grand. You wonder if anyone would notice if you used the wrapping paper you saved from last Christmas.
October 23 – November 21
There was no need to get so angry about the Toy Show. It’s for kids, for Christ’s sake.
November 22 – December 21
You join an Alt-right group, for the craic. Everyone’s doing it these days. What harm can it do.
December 22 – January 19
You win a medal for eating a whole box of After-Eights in one go.
January 20 – February 18
What are you like?! No seriously. What are you fucking like.
February 19 – March 20
Your collection of old shite in your garden shed is coming along rightly.