WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Your family stages a Selection Box intervention for you.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Even though you’re unemployed, you have a Christmas work party for yourself, consisting of you drinking cans in the house.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

To wean yourself off sniffing glue, you start sniffing Pritt Stik.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You finally complete a marathon! Running one mile a fortnight throughout the year counts, right?  

leo

July 23 – August 22

You’re looking forward to getting lots of shower gel sets for Christmas, and the two months of cleanliness that follows before you go back to being a smelly ape-person.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you don’t weigh yourself, you can convince yourself you don’t need to go to the gym.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

Be grand. You wonder if anyone would notice if you used the wrapping paper you saved from last Christmas.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There was no need to get so angry about the Toy Show. It’s for kids, for Christ’s sake.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You join an Alt-right group, for the craic. Everyone’s doing it these days. What harm can it do.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You win a medal for eating a whole box of After-Eights in one go.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

What are you like?! No seriously. What are you fucking like.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your collection of old shite in your garden shed is coming along rightly.  

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