Your Weekly ‘Oh My Fuckin’ God, What Has Trump Done Now’ Update
IT can be hard to keep track of all the developments in the curious case of Americans electing Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States. With the period of transition in full swing ahead of his 20th of January inauguration, Trump’s nascent administration is beginning to take shape with a number of appointments.
WWN has vowed to keep its readers fully informed, with this weekly update on all things ‘what have we done to deserve this’.
MONDAY: Trump disavowed the alt-right movement, also known as ‘the people who elected him to office’. Unveiled plans to install slot machines in the West Wing of the White House as part of a gradual transition which will see it become the best casino in the world. Backtracked on just 457 election promises; a record low for Trump since winning the election.
TUESDAY: Now he has won the election, Trump confirmed that voter fraud or voting anomalies do not exist in the cases which could be of benefit to him. Released a 10,000 word essay, rating all Victoria’s Secret lingerie items which have featured in their annual catwalk fashion show ahead of the 2016 edition.
WEDNESDAY: Confirmed his intention to outlaw memes which make fun of him. Confirmed he would step away from his businesses. Confirmed he would also pass favourable information to his children so his businesses could make a killing while in office. Tweeted “dogs shouldn’t eat ice cream, it’s human food. Will be addressed when I’m president. Big issue”.
THURSDAY: Praised Pakistan following a phone call with its prime minister Nawaz Sharif after previously criticising the country heavily. Progressed his casual calls with Putin into full blown phone sex, calling the phone call ‘just the best, tremendous. Putin has the best dirty talk’.
FRIDAY: In a bid to take a more hands off approach to foreign policy which would see peace efforts ramped up and interventionism curbed, appointed a military general with the nickname ‘Mad Dog’. Trump also staunchly denies claims he has ever taken a shit.
SATURDAY: Booked in for weekly spray tan.
SUNDAY: Has spoken at length on his religious beliefs so Trump will devoutly observe Sunday as a day of rest breaking from the religious observance only to call a 12-year-old cancer patient a ‘loser’ on Twitter.