WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Cover your mouth when you’re coughing or sneezing, In fact, just cover your face at all times.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Add some Christmas fun to your chronic alcohol problem by wearing a Santa hat while on a 2-day binge.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Right after you read this, you spend the rest of the day humming the theme song to the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You go with your friends to a Sushi restaurant for dinner, even though you’d secretly like to just stay home and get spice bags delivered.

leo

July 23 – August 22

You get a flier through the door looking for donations of old clothes. Just put them in a black bag and leave them on the doorstep. You do this, then you learn it’s a big scam! The lesson you learn from this is never wear clothes. You become a nudist.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

THAT WHISKEY WAS FOR CHRISTMAS DAMMIT!

libra

September 23 – October 22

You take way more than the recommended dose of Glucosamine and your joints turn into jelly and you fall on the ground and can’t get up for two days.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Nothing for you this week. Move along.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Someone finally joins your cult! The two of you go to Eddie Rockets to celebrate.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Katie Taylor wins her fight and she’s a national hero, you jump someone on O’Connell Street and you’re ‘a scumbag’. Go figure.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You name your band ‘Jerry Fish and the Mudbug Club’, then you find out that name was already taken. This is bullshit.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

The operation to surgically remove you from the sofa goes well.

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