21 March – 20 April
Cover your mouth when you’re coughing or sneezing, In fact, just cover your face at all times.
21 April – 21 May
Add some Christmas fun to your chronic alcohol problem by wearing a Santa hat while on a 2-day binge.
May 21 – June 20
Right after you read this, you spend the rest of the day humming the theme song to the Fresh Prince Of Bel Air.
June 21 – July 22
You go with your friends to a Sushi restaurant for dinner, even though you’d secretly like to just stay home and get spice bags delivered.
July 23 – August 22
You get a flier through the door looking for donations of old clothes. Just put them in a black bag and leave them on the doorstep. You do this, then you learn it’s a big scam! The lesson you learn from this is never wear clothes. You become a nudist.
August 23 – September 22
THAT WHISKEY WAS FOR CHRISTMAS DAMMIT!
September 23 – October 22
You take way more than the recommended dose of Glucosamine and your joints turn into jelly and you fall on the ground and can’t get up for two days.
October 23 – November 21
Nothing for you this week. Move along.
November 22 – December 21
Someone finally joins your cult! The two of you go to Eddie Rockets to celebrate.
December 22 – January 19
Katie Taylor wins her fight and she’s a national hero, you jump someone on O’Connell Street and you’re ‘a scumbag’. Go figure.
January 20 – February 18
You name your band ‘Jerry Fish and the Mudbug Club’, then you find out that name was already taken. This is bullshit.
February 19 – March 20
The operation to surgically remove you from the sofa goes well.