Government Dislocates Shoulder Patting Themselves On The Back

THE ENTIRE cabinet of the current government presented itself to a Dublin A&E department, displaying injuries consistent with over zealous and congratulatory patting of the back, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Following the publication of a report into the compensation scheme for survivors of symphysiotomy, the government decided to congratulate themselves on a job well done despite widespread criticism of the scheme which sought to compensate women who had their pelvis broken without consultation during childbirth by medical professionals despite the practice being widely discredited at the time.

“The injuries do seem to be consistent with a group of people high fiving and patting themselves on the back with the sort of enthusiasm their actions do not deserve,” an attending nurse explained.

The boisterous mood amongst the cabinet sat in stark contrast to the fact they will likely be waiting 14 hours on a trolley before being seen to.

“I know some women died before ever getting compensation and over a third of women who applied for compensation were rejected, but we love a good report publication, especially when it says we did everything right,” shared one minister as they had their shoulder placed in a sling.

“It was the 50th pat to the back of the Taoiseach that did it, I got a bit too excited, I’ll admit it. What I won’t admit, however, is the fact we put up consistent obstacles in front of women who required justice not obstruction,” the minister added.

Despite the positive mood, doctors delivered the devastating news that the government would have to rest and refrain from patting itself on the back until it ‘actually gets something done’, meaning it is unlikely it will get to pat itself on the back for the continued rise in homelessness figures, or for the dereliction of its duty to various vulnerable groups before the new year.