WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Looks like it might snow this week, so maybe get a head start on your 5 minute trip to the shops for milk.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Looks like it might snow this week, giving you a good chance to be a drama queen about every Goddamn thing.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Looks like it might snow this week, so set fire to yourself.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Looks like it might snow this week, so you can leave your groceries outside and frost the fridge we suppose.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Looks like it might snow this week, so you can go on the drink. Any excuse yeah?

virgo

August 23 – September 22

Looks like it might snow this week, so it’ll be as cold as your icy heart, Sharon, God damn you, you bitch

libra

September 23 – October 22

Looks like it might snow this week, that must be awful for you with your snow intolerance but at least you have something to write on your blog.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Looks like it might snow this week, better drive real fast so that you get home before your car gets cold.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Looks like it might snow this week, so strap a barrel of brandy to your neck and go look for people stranded up the mountains.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Looks like it might snow this week, that’ll be the foreigners bringing it over, bastards.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Looks like it might snow this week, so maybe don’t go anywhere. Stay home. Read a book. What’s the worst that can happen?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Looks like it might snow this week, maybe an RTÉ newscaster will do a broadcast out in the snow and it’ll be funny. You got a good 6 months out of Teresa Mannion memes last time. Fingers crossed!

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