WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Looks like it might snow this week, so maybe get a head start on your 5 minute trip to the shops for milk.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Looks like it might snow this week, giving you a good chance to be a drama queen about every Goddamn thing.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Looks like it might snow this week, so set fire to yourself.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Looks like it might snow this week, so you can leave your groceries outside and frost the fridge we suppose.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Looks like it might snow this week, so you can go on the drink. Any excuse yeah?
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Looks like it might snow this week, so it’ll be as cold as your icy heart, Sharon, God damn you, you bitch
libra
September 23 – October 22
Looks like it might snow this week, that must be awful for you with your snow intolerance but at least you have something to write on your blog.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Looks like it might snow this week, better drive real fast so that you get home before your car gets cold.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Looks like it might snow this week, so strap a barrel of brandy to your neck and go look for people stranded up the mountains.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Looks like it might snow this week, that’ll be the foreigners bringing it over, bastards.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Looks like it might snow this week, so maybe don’t go anywhere. Stay home. Read a book. What’s the worst that can happen?
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Looks like it might snow this week, maybe an RTÉ newscaster will do a broadcast out in the snow and it’ll be funny. You got a good 6 months out of Teresa Mannion memes last time. Fingers crossed!