THE practice of expelling flatulence into your handbag has saved millions of women across the world from certain embarrassment over the years, so why the big taboo? Model, author and style icon Pippa O’Connor is here to explain more, and picks out five perfect handbags to fart in:
The Lazy Suzanne
First of all, I’m absolutely thrilled to be covering a subject very close to my arse. Bag farting has saved my life numerous times; the train, plane and even the Playboy mansion. In fact, if I didn’t use this technique throughout my career as a woman, I would not be here writing these words. And I’m thrilled WWN are covering this unique life hack.
The Lazy Suzanne is first on my list here as it retails for only €69:99, and comes with its own internal diffuser, which turns any woman’s fart into a beautiful fine mist which smells almost identical to Impulse deodorant. The LS can hold up to two square metres of stale air for up to 8 hours, making it the ideal travel companion. The LS’s extra safe zipper design is second to none, and even continues to hold if accidentally sat on. My only flaw with this bag is the opening could be a little bigger for larger farts, but you will soon get used to it.
Aw Me Hoop
Retailing at €49:99, Aw Me Hoop by Dunnes Stores is the cheapest handbag on my list today, but don’t be fooled, this little baby can take over 15 farts in a day, making it the perfect choice for those of us women who have way too much air in our colons. The hooped handles are great when you are on a moving vehicle like a train. Holding it to your exhaust comes easy, and its quick release technology is perfect when you want to offload its contents on a busy street. However, there are no inbuilt filters in this bag, so what goes in, comes out the same.
The Day After The Night Before
This aptly named bag is one of the biggest sellers in Ireland right now for its durability and ease of use. Perfect for major league hangovers, or fast food lovers, this 30 litre beast will not only contain your flatulence, it also breaks it down at a molecular level, leaving you with just a solid cube after 1,000 uses. The cube can then be easily disposed of at no cost to the environment. This bag is ideal for hen nights as it can fit up to three people at any one sitting.
The Pocket Rocket
I don’t go anywhere without my pocket rocket. This little beauty comes in at €99, but boy does it do the job. It may look small, but the pocket rocket can hold up to 5 good farts and its propulsion system can dispose of the contents like an air canon, perfect for pinning your farts on other people across the room or office. I don’t know where I’d be without my pocket rocket. I love it. A must buy for any farter.
The Buttbag 4000
The buttbag 4000 is top of my list today. Designed with an ‘I don’t care attitude’ in mind, this handbag has got it all for the woman who just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. Why should we have to hide our embarrassment? Yes, farting into a handbag to save people from your internal smell is hygienic and the right thing to do, but why should we be so worried about what other people think? This bag, retailing at €560, does just that. Be the proud, independent woman you are. Show the world that you are alright with carrying your flatulence around on your shoulder. This baby comes with all the trimmings and you can even go full arse mode if caught short. Shut up and take my money!!