21 March – 20 April
Does the ‘5 second rule’ for food on the ground mean nothing to you?! That crisp was there for at least a day.
21 April – 21 May
You get sunburn, in November. IN NOVEMBER. Fuck sake like.
May 21 – June 20
We have to congratulate you, we’ve never seen someone vomit so much after three pints.
June 21 – July 22
There’s no sense in dancing around this. You smell.
July 23 – August 22
We continue to light a candle for you.
August 23 – September 22
You travel to Australia, and they have to change the warnings on everything because you are now the most poisonous creature in the country.
September 23 – October 22
Your IMDB page could use a little work.
October 23 – November 21
You spend an ungodly amount of money on Lego. What the fuck are you thinking?
November 22 – December 21
You find an heir in your food. He’s got loads of money, a house, the lot.
December 22 – January 19
You can’t enjoy Westworld because the sums just don’t add up. There’s no way that place is making money.
January 20 – February 18
Your favourite website finally posts something you disagree with, and boy does it bring your piss to a simmer.
February 19 – March 20
Your tinfoil hat business fails to take off. It must have something to do with the Illuminati. Always trying to keep you down!