WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Does the ‘5 second rule’ for food on the ground mean nothing to you?! That crisp was there for at least a day.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You get sunburn, in November. IN NOVEMBER. Fuck sake like. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

We have to congratulate you, we’ve never seen someone vomit so much after three pints. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

There’s no sense in dancing around this. You smell. 

leo

July 23 – August 22

We continue to light a candle for you. 

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You travel to Australia, and they have to change the warnings on everything because you are now the most poisonous creature in the country. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

Your IMDB page could use a little work. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You spend an ungodly amount of money on Lego. What the fuck are you thinking? 

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You find an heir in your food. He’s got loads of money, a house, the lot. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You can’t enjoy Westworld because the sums just don’t add up. There’s no way that place is making money. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your favourite website finally posts something you disagree with, and boy does it bring your piss to a simmer. 

pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your tinfoil hat business fails to take off. It must have something to do with the Illuminati. Always trying to keep you down!

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