So You’re Plummeting To Earth With No Parachute: A Guide

THERE may come a time in your life where you find yourself hurtling at terminal velocity towards the ground from a great height, with no discernible way of saving yourself from immediate impact-based death. What to do, in such a situation? Well, you could try the following…

1) Reflect

Reflect on your life. Think of what it is that you may have done that lead you to this point. You must have done something seriously wrong to have pissed off the big man upstairs to such a point that he moved you from the ledger marked ‘a normal death’ to the one marked ‘a spectacularly horrific death’.

See God lets a lot of people die in their sleep, or surrounded by loved ones after a long and fulfilling life. But you?

He chose for you to plummet to your death from a mile in the sky. That’s quite a swing, don’t ya think? No fond farewells with loved one’s for you… no, God saw your name in the book and thought you know what? I’m dropping this cunt out the motherfucking sky.

So in the moments you have left, take a look back over the years. Reflect on your failings and repent. Quickly now; ground’s coming.

2) That’s about it.