21 March – 20 April
Look at that stupid baby, smiling. Yeah get a job and a mortgage and tell us how much you smile then, kid.
21 April – 21 May
You wait around after the credits of Schindler’s List, but there’s nothing. No gag, nothing setting up the next movie, nada.
May 21 – June 20
You put Humpty Dumpty back together again. it wasn’t such a big deal. You wonder what sort of morons the King’s men were.
June 21 – July 22
Just like your iPhone charger, you work if held at just the right angle.
July 23 – August 22
Leo, like Leo DiCaprio. Without the money, talent, fame, and beautiful girls. And indeed anything else, the similarities more or less end with Leo.
August 23 – September 22
You discover you are too big for your big coat. Wow, you really enjoyed this year, didn’t you? Fair play.
September 23 – October 22
You shouldn’t have yelled so loud at that guard but it just felt sooooooo good.
October 23 – November 21
You’ve a load of bangers left over from Halloween. Like what the fuck are you supposed to do with them now?
November 22 – December 21
You suffer a sick burn, but luckily you get rushed to the sick burns unit on time.
December 22 – January 19
5 retweets, wow, we’ll book your place on The Ellen Show right now.
January 20 – February 18
You agree to bake as many gay wedding cakes as people want. Shit, at 400 quid a pop, you’ll bake a Hitler cake.
February 19 – March 20
What, is there some age where you’re legally required to stop drinking Capri-Sun? Get fucked.