WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

Look at that stupid baby, smiling. Yeah get a job and a mortgage and tell us how much you smile then, kid.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You wait around after the credits of Schindler’s List, but there’s nothing. No gag, nothing setting up the next movie, nada. 

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You put Humpty Dumpty back together again. it wasn’t such a big deal. You wonder what sort of morons the King’s men were. 

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Just like your iPhone charger, you work if held at just the right angle.

leo

July 23 – August 22

Leo, like Leo DiCaprio. Without the money, talent, fame, and beautiful girls. And indeed anything else, the similarities more or less end with Leo.

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You discover you are too big for your big coat. Wow, you really enjoyed this year, didn’t you? Fair play. 

libra

September 23 – October 22

You shouldn’t have yelled so loud at that guard but it just felt sooooooo good. 

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’ve a load of bangers left over from Halloween. Like what the fuck are you supposed to do with them now? 

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You suffer a sick burn, but luckily you get rushed to the sick burns unit on time. 

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

5 retweets, wow, we’ll book your place on The Ellen Show right now. 

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You agree to bake as many gay wedding cakes as people want. Shit, at 400 quid a pop, you’ll bake a Hitler cake. 

pisces

February 19 – March 20

What, is there some age where you’re legally required to stop drinking Capri-Sun? Get fucked. 

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