Man United Hire New Doctor For Mourinho To Blame

MANCHESTER United vice chairman Ed Woodward was said to be working round the clock last night in the search for a scapegoat, in the form of a new doctor, for Jose Mourinho to blame his side’s 4-0 loss to Chelsea on.

Keen to help the man in charge of a £600 million squad deflect any and all criticism emanating for the humbling loss, United are seeking to recreate circumstances similar to Mourinho’s tenure at Chelsea last season which saw him unduly single out then club doctor Eva Carneiro for blame, allegedly calling her a ‘daughter of a whore’.

“Police are still searching for the missing Paul Pogba, and were at a loss as to why he never got on that flight from Italy in August, but look our priority is to give Jose the perfect conditions to kick start an epic meltdown, and we can’t do that without a doctor,” an Old Trafford spokesperson revealed.

“We’re looking for a professional and dedicated doctor who is willing to be verbally abused and have their character and professionalism attacked by Jose just so he doesn’t have to answer questions on why we were so shit,” added the spokesperson.

While the Manchester club lies six points adrift from the top of the table, many fans have confirmed that being the most profitable club in the world is the number one priority, ahead of winning silverware.

Mourinho has yet to deny that he has brought forward any potential plans for a toxic meltdown by some six months, but did go on record to thank the referee for not sending off David Luiz as it gave the Portuguese native ‘some room to make excuses and moan’.