Inside Dublin Religious Sect ‘The Jaysis Witnesses’

VERY little is known about Dublin’s second biggest religious sect, The Jaysis Witnesses, due to their tight knit community and their hatred for the media. Posing as a potential worshipper seeking something new, WWN undercover reporter Paddy Browne spent a day at their annual conference in Dublin city:

Donning my Sunday best, I entered Dublin Castle early on the first day of the Jaysis Witnesses groups seminar last month, thinking I was dressed appropriately. I was not. Instead, I was immediately stopped by a scruffy looking man in a Celtic top.

“Where’d ya think you’re bladin’ goin’?” he asked me, almost starting on me at the seminar door, “Do ya want your go, do ya?”

At first I thought it was a joke, so I replied ‘None of your bladin’ business!’. To which he backed off and said ‘Jaysis, brother. I thought you were a bladin’ jelly bean comin’ in da door, wha’? In ya go and take off that silly shirt and tie, ya muppet’.

This was not what I was expecting, but I went along with it anyway, happy in the thought that I managed to get in the door.

To my utter surprise, everyone was dressed very casually and the atmosphere was so relaxed, people were walking around with bags of cans and even vaping pure nicotine. I felt at home.

There must have been 700 people attending the first ‘session’, as they call it, which was to be hosted by Jaysis Witness leader Jacintha O’Reilly. Upon her arrival on stage, Jacintha gave a big ‘howyis’ to the crowd, who in turn replied ‘howyis’, which I thought was kind of cool. She was wearing a Dublin football jersey, cotton tracksuit pants tucked into a pair of frayed ugg boots and spoke fluent Dublin to the crowd.

Refreshments in the form of cans of Tuborg were being sparingly handed out by stewards while Jacintha explained the meaning of life to the worshippers.

“Yis are all here for a good time, not a long time,” she shouted, the crowd repeating in unison, before turning her attention to the Jaysis Witnesses commandments.

“Thou shalt not rat out thy neighbour” she rattled off, again the crowd repeating, “Thou shalt not spill thy beer. Thou shalt not take the name of Aslan in vain. Remember the signing on day, to keep it holy. Thou shalt not have no sissy craft beers before me. Thou shalt not covet your Southside neighbour’s wife, as they’re stuck up their own holes”.

I found myself joining in with the responses and really liked the way the Jaysis Witnesses viewed life. It was like nothing else existed, only them, but yet they didn’t care too much about other people’s beliefs, only their own, which I had to admire.

Following the three hour seminar Jacintha put on some classic trance tunes from the late 90s which she streamed directly from YouTube, before one of her congregation, who looked suspiciously like Jason Sherlock, wheeled out a trolley of 2ltr bottles of Scrumpy Jack, which she called ‘Communion’ and handed out copies of Asleep, an illustrated manual depicting members canal diving, drinking cans and generally enjoying their lives.

Speaking with the clergy after the ceremony, I realised the Jaysis Witnesses weren’t a bad bunch of people, as everyone made them out to be in the media, and even contemplated converting to the newly found religion… until a mass brawl broke out, forcing several members to break commandment number 2, thou shalt not spill thy beer.

I saw enough. Spilling beer is a sin, and if these people couldn’t stick to that, then I was out.