WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
That wash will be dry if you put it out now and don’t stop to think about where your 20s went.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You’re not sure when you started keeping a tissue up your sleeve like your Mum, but there it is.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You invented a delicious new cocktail last night but for some reason you forget the recipe this morning.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Trump’s patented ‘grab them by the pussy’ move lands you in jail for the next 6 years.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You’re all for it, but you’re not quite sure just how to ‘go fuck yourself’.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Thumbing a lift has become much harder since you got that neck tattoo of a big knife.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You shout “shots” in a Dublin pub, and get shot.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You melt in the rain! You were told this wouldn’t happen!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You find out that building sites are nothing like what Donkey Kong promised they would be.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
With the help of your latest sexual partner, you finally find out who your daddy is.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You play a game of pool in the pub. There’s a table there. It seems rude not to.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Still not a millionaire. This is bullshit.