Your Top 5 Kardashian Robbery Theories
AS the world continues to come to terms with the shocking news of Kim Kardashian being held at gunpoint in a Paris hotel, one thing remains clear if social media feeds are anything to go by – Kim Kardashian definitely wasn’t held at gunpoint in a Paris hotel as it’s all bullshit.
WWN presents, thanks to painstaking research and verification of facts, your favourite factually accurate theories as to the true meaning behind the $9 million jewellery theft.
1) This was all done for publicity. As is well documented Kim Kardashian, with a social media following in excess of 160 million people and app downloads surpassing 50 million in number, is one of the most criminally ignored figures on the planet and was in desperate need of gaining media exposure.
With her name only returning 330 pages of results on the Daily Mail website, the little known reality personality set up the hoax theft of $9 million worth of jewellery in order to get her name out into the public domain and become better known.
2) Obviously the US government is using the robbery of a Kardashian as a pretense to justify an invasion of France. In a similar approach to the war in Iraq, the Obama administration is falsifying details of the robbery to suggest a jihadi enclave in Paris is responsible for the daring raid.
3) Fucking dopey cow, what was she doing at all. While there is scant detail beyond this initial declaration, your social media feeds have been awash with this popular conspiracy theory since news of the robbery broke. This has been the toughest theory to fact check and confirm its veracity. Similarly, you have reported a strange increase in another theory shared by people on social media who feel compelled to inform you they ‘don’t care about the stupid Kardashians’ before adding several thousand more words to their rant.
4) Aliens – WWN feels there is little else to add onto this point as it is all fairly obvious what is going on here. Okay, well if you insist, an intergalactic race of humanoid aliens landed on Earth last Saturday, and given how the majority of the planet worship Kardashian, mistook the 35-year-old for our queen and attempted to assassinate her in an effort to intimidate the human race into a full and total surrender.
5) The media did it – keenly aware of how little the media consuming population have come to care about big news stories with real, quantifiable meaning and consequences, the world’s tabloid media convened in Paris to plot a terrifying robbery of Kim Kardashian in order to generate enough pointless tattle, speculation and outright made up bullshit to keep you entertained while you skived off work to take an extra long toilet break for 40 minutes.
EDITOR’S NOTE: an earlier version of this article failed to call for the immediate execution of Kim Kardashian’s personal bodyguard. We regret this error.