WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
When that guy said ‘come with me if you want to live’, you really should have gone with him.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Come here, what’s this button for?
gemini
May 21 – June 20
When it’s pissing rain, at least be thankful it’s not raining piss.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You are 100% pro-choice, if that choice is going to McDonalds for your lunch.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Your career as a Twitter spambot is going terribly. Nobody wants to see your firm tits! This is bullshit!
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Get your coat, you’ve pulled your hamstring. You need a doctor, quick.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You’re a total rock star! Unfortunately, you’re Gary Glitter.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You spot a typo online and point it out, making you the king of everything, we suppose.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A star, billions of light years away, distant and beautiful, aligns with a planet passing in front of it for the first time in 1,000 years. This results in you getting AIDS, look that’s just how horoscopes work OK, we don’t make the rules.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Have the nurse look at that.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’re not getting any dessert or blowjobs.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your moustache is coming along rightly. And we really love that dress.