America Resounding Loser In First Clinton/Trump Debate

SHORTLY after the first debate between presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump finished, spokespeople operating for both candidates were quick to claim victory. However, all expert opinion and research points to America being the resounding loser in the political sparring match.

“Regardless of what side you were on before or if you were one of the undecided, we’re probably all in agreement – this is a horrible nightmare we wish we could wake up from,” concluded political expert Claudine Johnson.

The latest reports emanating from American cities back up Johnson’s claims as the majority of US citizens admitted to barely being able to sleep following the first of 3 televised presidential debates.

While polls which asked the public who won the debate seemed to place both candidates around the 50% mark, several polls that posed the question ‘who lost the debate?’ returned a resounding verdict of ‘America’.

“This is all the more odd when you consider America wasn’t even an option on the polls,” pollster Mark Brommell explained to WWN.

Several fact checkers assigned to the debate for reportedly treated for shell shock shortly after the debate ended.

Debate watchers were quick to note that all the hallmarks of a presidential debate were present; oversized American flags and emblems, podiums and candidates looking wooden and robot-like yet many claim something felt amiss.

“I think what was missing was the sense that one of these candidates might actually be good for the country. You got the real sense we’re sleepwalking into a shitstorm of epic proportions. I hear Canada is a nice place to live,” added one voter who doesn’t think he will be able to sleep for the next 4 years.