WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Your collection of old shite in your shed is coming along rightly, thanks to the recent addition of a rake and a flat car battery.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Your friend finally gives you back that Eminem CD they borrowed in 2004.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
That’s a great day for going to the park, if you didn’t have to spend the next 9 hours at a job you hated.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You stop dancing like there’s nobody watching because everyone was watching, and judging. Always judging.
leo
July 23 – August 22
We can’t handle you at your worst, and have no heed in you at your best.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Remember the Joker’s pencil trick in The Dark Knight? That would really move this meeting along.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You finally stop giggling when Americans say ‘period’.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You get arrested after taking your dick out for Harambe.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
That kid up the road just stuck his hand in the fire. It looked pretty cool, you should try it.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You take out the brown bin, and spend the rest of the day smelling like a horse corpse.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your mam always said you weren’t allowed eat crisps for dinner, but here you are with a big plate of nachos.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
When you have kids yourself, you’ll know.