“We’ll Get This, Put Your Money Away”, Ireland Tells Apple

THE Irish government has stressed that it won’t hear of Apple paying whatever penalty arises from a European investigation into the tech giant’s tax arrangements with the State, insisting that ‘we’ll take care of it’.

With nobody in any doubt that Ireland offered Apple what amounts to illegal State aid in a bid to attract investment into the country, it seems certain that a bill estimated to be in the ‘low billions’ is about to be charged to the electronics powerhouse.

Although the back taxes would be paid directly into the Irish Exchequer, the government has taken a stance akin to your mother insisting on paying for your carvery dinner, even though you brought her out, and has aggressively demanded that Apple put their money away and ‘buy something nice’ for itself.

“Don’t now, don’t be thinking you’re going to pay that tax bill. You leave that to us,” said Finance Minister Michael Noonan, reaching for the Irish taxpayers’ money.

“You save that. If you want to invest it in a plant out there in Shannon or somewhere, or hire another 100 people or so, then by all means do that, but we won’t hear of you paying your fair share of tax in Ireland. That’s not what we brought you over here to do, so put that wallet away”.

Apple has since offered a ‘well, if you’re sure’ reply, almost immediately after the suggestion.