Irish Banks To Start Charging Customers To Enter/Leave Branches

BANKS across the country are to start charging customers entering and then leaving branches in a bid to recoup record low interest rates, WWN has learned.

Both AIB and the Bank of Ireland have confirmed they are implementing the new toll from November, at a cost of €1 each way.

“Tolling gates will be installed in all our branches over the next 3 months,” Chairman of AIB Larry Hogan explains, “It will cost customers two euros including VAT to visit any AIB branch across the Republic of Ireland, which isn’t bad considering the fact that we control every aspect of your miserable life and could basically charge anything we want without fear of reprisals from any of you fools”.

Along with the entry and leaving fee, customers wishing to speak to staff members inside the bank will also be required to pay a €5 interaction fee.

“Talking to customers is very old fashioned as we now have intelligent ATM lodgement machines in all our branches,” Hogan added. “If a customer wants to waste a bank clerk’s time, then they’ll have to pay for it. Our time is money, albeit money we manufactured from nothing and sell on to you at an interest, it’s still our money”.

The new charges follow a recent decision by the ECB in March to begin charging large corporate and financial institutions 0.4%, for depositing cash with them overnight, because hey, what you are going to do about it?