‘MMA Is Useless In A Real Fight’, Claims Aikido Black Belt

A DUBLIN based Aikido black belt has today slammed mixed martial artists over their outrage that the Irish Martial Arts Commission (IMAC) described MMA as “pornographic, sadistic and voyeuristic to its core”, in official documents that surfaced from the organisation online.

Kevin Reilly, who has been practising Aikido for ten injury free years, said UFC fighters and the likes had ‘very little skill’, and that he could probably throw them around the place with one hand if given the chance.

“These MMA lads are brain dead thugs that couldn’t beat their way out of a wet paper bag,” Reilly stated, while wearing very silly pants, “real martial artists, like me, use ancient techniques, handed down from grandmaster to grandmaster, over thousands of years. There is a tradition behind it that makes Aikido one of the most revered martial arts in the world. MMA is useless in a real fight”.

“You’ll never see an Aikido master fighting in MMA as they would just keep winning all the time, and it would just get boring”.

Demonstrating his technique, Reilly urged a fellow student to attack him, before stepping aside lightly and pushing him out of the way, forcing the attacker to do a somersault onto the floor, for no apparent reason whatsoever.

“Did you see that?” the 46-year-old asked, as if impressing this reporter somehow, “did you see the way I used his own force against him? You won’t see moves like that in MMA”.

Asked whether his opponent slipped or something, he replied “No, that was my chi power disabling him”.

Unsure of his point, or indeed his defensive strategy, I asked whether Aikido could be put into practice against an MMA fighter, who would be coming at him with a flurry of kicks and punches.

“If I’m honest, I could probably take on three or four MMA fighters at the one time,” Reilly concluded, “They would just have to learn how to roll to the ground first”.