5 Ways To Convince Your Boyfriend You Don’t Poo

WHILE men have suspected for a number of centuries that womens’ claims that they possess an inability to defecate out of their anus, many women feel consistent hints are needed to steer their partners away from questions and inquiries as to whether or not they also drop anchor in poo bay.

Scientists, guided by the female portion of their profession, have conclusively proved that women do not have the ability to ‘poop’ and yet still some women fear being found out.

To avoid your boyfriend, husband, acquaintance, bit on the side or last resort from finding out you do indeed shit like its going out of fashion, follow these simple steps:

1) Always act surprised when you see a toilet, ask what it is. Of course you urinate in them, but you’re still perplexed by their presence in houses, restaurants and pubs. Maintain ignorance and wonderment at this thing a man calls ‘a toilet’ at all times.

2) “Poo, oh what’s that like a rare animal or something?” Ignorance is the name of the game. If it’s not an animal, maybe it’s a Pokemon, you can’t remember but you know you’ve heard the name before. Is Poo like Cher or Beyonce, one of those popstars that just goes by one name? Pile faux ignorance upon faux ignorance in much the same way you pile poo on top of poo when you’re 100% certain your boyfriend is not in the house.

3) “Why do lock yourself away in that small room where we shower and make noises?” Question the odd behaviour of your boyfriend which sees him disappear for hours into the ‘shower house’, making the occasional grunt and plea for help, you haven’t the faintest idea what that is like.

4) Sew your bum shut. Last resort but a necessary one for some. Leave no doubt that your bum and its surrounding area serves no function other than to be foisted into yoga pants and become the subject on not so subtle selfies. If he’s as thick as you suspect him to be, he’ll confirm “oh yeah, we learned that in biology in school back in the day”. If you’re not a fan of the idea of sewing, a local plasterer should be willing to fill the gap for a reasonable price.

5) Pour cement down your toilet after each number two. Sure he’ll be angry, yes it’ll bankrupt you in terms of consistently having to replace your toilet but does it matter when you know he’ll never discover the horrid truth.