Thrilling New 4D Simulator Ride Finally Opens At Lourdes

HUGE queues formed as hundreds of pilgrims gathered to sample the latest attraction in Lourdes, a €400m “4D” simulator ride that promises to cure all sicknesses and diseases while blowing your freaking mind.

The sick and the elderly strapped themselves into special cloud-shaped carriages before being whisked through a CGI animated biblical landscape, as jets of air, bubbles and sprays of holy water hit them in the face at appropriate times.

Dubbed “The Vaticanator”, the park operators at Lourdes are hoping the new attraction will encourage more ill people to make the pilgrimage to the holy hotspot, after years of declining visitor numbers.

“We were losing our bollocks on Lourdes,” said Fr. Piotr Cambell, chief of operations for the Catholic Tourist Board. “It was almost like people didn’t believe a trip to a village in the south of France could cure blindness anymore. The regular Lourdes attractions; the grotto, the holy water… they just seemed old-fashioned in the wake of 500 years of medical science. But now, with the Vaticanator, you really feel like you’re soaring through the air with the angels, and at the end you see Our Lady and she tells you that you’re not sick or dying anymore. How could you not feel a bit better after that?”

As tickets to the Vaticanator are not included in your overall Lourdes package, pilgrims are being urged to buy online and to avoid touts at the gates.