Royals Celebrate Birthday With Ritual Human Sacrifice In London

THOUSAND’S of Royal enthusiasts have flocked to London today to mark the official 90th birthday of the Queen of England and the 95th birthday of the The Duke of Edinburgh in an emotional ceremony which saw the first public human sacrifice in Britain for 50 years.

Arriving at an altar outside Buckingham Palace, which was specially designed for the occasion, the couple ceremoniously placed a 7-month-old baby boy on the marble surface before performing the age-old ritual, which spans back over 500 years to the Tudor dynasty.

Raising a diamond encrusted, 24 carrot gold dagger, first used by Elizabeth I, the Queen quickly exterminated the young child in front of her adoring fans, smearing her lifelong partner in the child’s blood, a tradition performed every 50 years in a bid to elongate both their lives.

“Thankfully, with advances in bioengineering technology, we can now grow babies in laboratories for special occasions like this,” The Queen later addressed the crowd, referring to the last such ceremony in 1966, when both Royals disemboweled an Indian child they acquired while on holiday. “Hopefully, we’ll both see another good 10 or 20 years after today’s ceremony,” later joking “my knife hand isn’t as good as it used to be”.

Since 1583, over 300 child sacrifices have been made by Royal family members in exchange for eternal youth, a practice now being ridiculed by human rights activists.

The Queen will have a chance to re-live one of the highlights of her Diamond Jubilee year when a flotilla of refugee boats are to be sunk as they pass down the Thames on Saturday as part of the three-day weekend of official 90th birthday celebrations.