Can’t Afford A House? Here’s 4 Ways You Can

ONE of the biggest problems facing people today is their inability to afford a home. WWN is on hand to provide you, the property obsessed public, with easy fixes to the problem of not being on the property ladder.

Follow any of these simple tips and you can conquer the frankly insane Irish property market with having to endure any of the stresses involved with buying a house.

Selling your organs on the black market.

Kidneys, livers, lungs, spare ankles, anything you have; there will always be someone willing to pay top dollar for it. Just remember that although it may be tempting to sell a set of lungs as they can fetch upwards of €60,000, you may be better off just selling the one lung. Removal of both lungs in one go currently has a death rate of 100%.

Never spending a penny.

Do not, under any circumstances, spend any of your income. Food – you don’t need it anymore. Need underwear – nope, you’ll just have to get used to the holes and skid marks on whatever is in your drawers now. Transport into work? Nice try, from now on you are your transport into work. Getting running you big lump of I don’t have €100,000 just lying around for a deposit. Anything that costs money isn’t worth doing anymore, you need to save, save, save.

Getting a new, better paid job.

Make the next 10 years of your life about nothing else but purchasing a precious house. You don’t need an enjoyable job, you need one that will help you reach the savings threshold so you’re eligible for a mortgage. Don’t think about seeing the world or enjoying any aspect of your life because, remember you’ll get to take that lovely house with you when you die.

And for those thinking it isn’t that easy to get a new job, well, you obviously don’t want the 1 bed studio shed valued at €780,000 enough, do you?

Murder a family and assume their identity.

It’s important to ensure the family you murder own the house you just broke into. Don’t make that mistake. Nothing worse than murdering a family who are just renting.

This might be harder for a single person to do as posing as 5 separate members of the same family can be tricky. But, if Eddie Murphy can pull it off in the Nutty Professor why can’t you?