It’s Official: A Gram Of Coke A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

A NEW study into the prevalence of cocaine use among Irish adults has found that moderate use of the drug has some astounding beneficial health factors, including increased tolerance to alcohol, a better sex life and can even eradicate the need for sleep in some subjects.

The study, which followed the cocaine habits of 435 parents over a six month period, found that 98% of those who ingested the drug regularly throughout the day reported a 9 out of 10 happiness rating, compared to just 2 out of 10 with those who were given the placebo.

“We found that most of the subjects who took cocaine were said to be more talkative and more productive than their non-cocaine talking counterparts,” lead researcher of the study, Dr. Kevin Price explains. “In fact, many of the couples even reported an increased sex drive and better stamina in the bedroom”.

However, some couples reported that their partners were even “over-sexed” and complained about them pleasuring themselves a bit too much throughout the day.

“A lot of the men had to be hospitalised for chapped penises, caused by too much hand friction,” added a nasally Dr. Price, who was suffering from a dose of the ‘Colombian flu’. “But all-in-all, cocaine seems to be a wonder drug that keeps on giving. I can’t feel my face right now. Scoops?”.

The survey suggested that at least one gram of cocaine a day is ‘just the right amount’ for any able-bodied professional hoping to up their game and work ethic.