5 Things Everyone Does At An Irish Funeral

IS there anything more Irish than an Irish person dying and then having a funeral in Ireland, surrounded by people who are Irish? Probably not.

We have lovingly and needlessly put together a list of 5 things that everyone does at every Irish wedding, or funerals, whatever the fuck list it is this time:

1) Sadface emoji, someone close to you has passed away, or perhaps they weren’t that close to you at all and you have no right really to be in the party of mourners, but since you’re Irish you’ll feel the overbearing need to be sadder than everyone else. Grief really brings out the colour in our cheeks, and try as you might, you won’t be able to resist the urge to jump into the grave as the coffin is lowered down. You’re making a habit of this, the 4th time so far this year.

2) If you’re at the funeral of someone you know, then chances are the crowded church full of mourners provides the perfect opportunity to find out how much of a bitch/bollocks the newly deceased person is. If you’re Irish you’ll be overwhelmed with the urge to denigrate whoever is in that coffin. ‘A black coffin? That’s ironic, did you know he was a fierce racist?’ and so on.

3) It might not seem like the appropriate time, but damn it, people need cheering up. It’s time to break out whatever party piece you have, in an effort to distract everyone from the fact people pass on. Balloon animals are a solid people pleaser, just don’t make any giraffes, as they are famously melancholic animals and will probably set everyone off crying again.

4) Yes, someone dear to you has passed away, but more important than that is, have you gained financially from this in any way? Work the room, find out from the widow/widower if their dearly departed had a secret account in the Caymans, or better yet some cold hard cash hidden under their mattress.

5) Any reasonable person knows that a funeral can be a sad time, yes, but a time for opportunity too; sadness is scientifically proven to work as a potent aphrodisiac amongst Irish people. There’s Shona from across the road, isn’t she looking well, and what, Mr. O’Neill can’t be a day over 60? And the broad shoulders on him. Dust off the old chat up lines, this could be a free for all.