Paul O’Connell To Spend Rest Of Life Roaming Earth, Righting Wrongs

IRISH rugby legend Paul O’Connell has followed this morning’s heartbreaking statement, in which he formally announced his retirement from the sport, with a second announcement in which he shared his plans to spend the rest of his life travelling the globe on foot, helping those who need it most.

O’Connell was forced to call time on his 14-year rugby career after sustaining a hamstring injury at last year’s Rugby World Cup, which eventually proved serious enough to end the Munster legend’s storied run as one of the best players the country has ever produced.

According to his second statement today, O’Connell intends to wander the earth solving problems, coming to the aid of people who cannot help themselves, and kicking the shit out of greedy land-owners, corrupt policemen, racketeers, and troublesome biker gangs.

Once he has helped whatever issue has been troubling a recently widowed woman, an orphanage run by an old priest, or a small greengrocer, O’Connell will pack up his bags and head to the next town.

“The world is full of people who think they can persecute others, who think they’re above the law,” said O’Connell, officially the world’s strongest ginger person.

“That’ll all change when I get into town. I’m not a man of violence, so if there’s a way that we can talk things through without bloodshed, I’m all for it. But if it comes to it, I’m ready to tackle these sons of bitches to the ground, until they learn that their type isn’t wanted around these parts no more”.

O’Connell’s journey will take him all around the world, and he intends to hitch-hike from town to town humming a poignant song as he does so.