21 March – 20 April
It’s Blue Monday, statistically the most depressing day of the year. Not for you; you’re doing juuusssst fine! Everything’s coming up Aries!
21 April – 21 May
Don’t check your bank balance. You will not like what you see.
May 21 – June 20
You’d be perfectly OK with an accident at work, if it meant you got some of that sweet compensation money.
June 21 – July 22
You going to eat that?
July 23 – August 22
You haven’t been to mass in 16 years, but you still bless yourself when passing a graveyard.
August 23 – September 22
You no longer da man. Someone else is da man. You fondly reminisce about the time you spent as da man.
September 23 – October 22
That’s just typical of you Libra fucks, you sneaky fucking bastards.
October 23 – November 21
The peas in your Pot Noodle do not count as one of your five a day.
November 22 – December 21
You should probably run that under a tap or something.
December 22 – January 19
You score a perfect ball of paper over-the-shoulder dunk into the waste paper basket, and NOBODY was there to see it.
January 20 – February 18
Your closest friends would describe you as being like a new pair of shoes; really painful to begin with, but eventually sort of alright, just before it’s time to get rid of you.
February 19 – March 20
It’d be really ironic if you drowned.