WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

It’s Blue Monday, statistically the most depressing day of the year. Not for you; you’re doing juuusssst fine! Everything’s coming up Aries!

taurus

21 April – 21 May

Don’t check your bank balance. You will not like what you see.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’d be perfectly OK with an accident at work, if it meant you got some of that sweet compensation money.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

You going to eat that?

leo

July 23 – August 22

You haven’t been to mass in 16 years, but you still bless yourself when passing a graveyard.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You no longer da man. Someone else is da man. You fondly reminisce about the time you spent as da man.

libra

September 23 – October 22

That’s just typical of you Libra fucks, you sneaky fucking bastards.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The peas in your Pot Noodle do not count as one of your five a day.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You should probably run that under a tap or something.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You score a perfect ball of paper over-the-shoulder dunk into the waste paper basket, and NOBODY was there to see it.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your closest friends would describe you as being like a new pair of shoes; really painful to begin with, but eventually sort of alright, just before it’s time to get rid of you.

pisces

February 19 – March 20

It’d be really ironic if you drowned.

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