Gardaí Unveil New Line Of Weaponry To Deal With Water Protesters

AN GARDA Síochána have today unveiled a new line of weaponry for 2016 to help deal with the escalating number of Irish Water protesters across the country.

Speaking to members of the press today, Assistant Commissioner John O’Mahony displayed just a small sample of the weapons to be used in the coming months, including: assault rifles, a sniper rifle, rockets, a pistol, ammunition, Semtex and a beer keg bomb, which is to be used to lure protesters, and then obliterate them upon approach.

Holding a large missile-like object, Mr. O’Mahony believes the new arsenal of weapons will help deter would be protesters from congregating in city centres, and believes the €67 million investment will actually save the Gardaí thousands of man hours in protecting water meter installations and dispersing large scale protests.

“See this baby here, we could take out three to four thousand water protesters in an instant,” he demonstrated while making missile sounds with his mouth. “Neaaaaaaaaww boom! …like Barry Scott says: ‘bang, and the dirt is gone!'”

Thanks to the investment, the last of the country’s Irish Water meters are due to be installed by the middle of 2016, as opposed to May 2030.