WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You’ve got a long list of serious character and personality issues, but yeah, your New Year’s resolution should be to take up Tai Chi. That’ll sort your life right out.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
Once you discovered that you could use your Nutri-bullet to make chocolate milkshakes, then that was about it for your diet.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
We know this is going to be difficult after two straight weeks, but no, you cannot have a beer at your desk with your lunch.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
There’s a difference between helping yourself to a cheeky pistachio nut as you do your shopping in Lidl, and just standing at the fruit and veg section stuffing your face while throwing the empty shells back into the pot. Learn this difference!
leo
July 23 – August 22
Never let it be said that these headphones weren’t worth three days wages. Today FM never sounded so good!
virgo
August 23 – September 22
UH OH. Someone got drunk and went online, didn’t they? Just say someone hacked your Twitter, and pray that everyone believes you.
libra
September 23 – October 22
A visit to your hometown reveals that nobody really remembers who you are, despite your belief that you had a long and meaningful impact on the lives of everyone you ever met.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Remember to see The Hateful 8 as the director intended; via a downloaded copy on your tablet while standing on the bus, over the course of five or six journeys.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Do not say “Who’s your daddy?” to the person you’re having sex with. You may open up a can of worms that will really make the next five minutes as awkward as hell.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Getting those Scooter lyrics tattooed on your chest may not have been the wisest thing you’ve ever done.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Wow, Dry January is off to a pretty poor fucking start, isn’t it?
pisces
February 19 – March 20
We’ve had a look at the positioning of the stars and planets, combined with the date of your birth, and we’ve ascertained that you’re doing great, you rockstar. Keep it up, champ!