WWN Horoscopes

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21 March – 20 April

You go into town and leave the immersion on by accident, you absolute fucking cliché.


21 April – 21 May

The package said to dissolve Berocca in water, but sucking them like a mint works just as well.


May 21 – June 20

Not bothering to take down your outside Christmas lights last January has finally paid off.


June 21 – July 22

You will receive a text from your local takeaway offering special discounts at the exact moment when you realise you don’t have the time or energy to cook a meal.


July 23 – August 22

Listen, sorry to annoy you, but do you happen to have a charger for an iPhone handy?


August 23 – September 22

Oops, sorry to bump into you there. We weren’t smelling your hair. Honest.


September 23 – October 22

Yeah, just then when your missus said she was “fine”… we’re not so sure we liked the way she said it. We’re fairly certain she’s not fine at all.


October 23 – November 21

RIGHT. (claps hands together loudly) THE PUB.


November 22 – December 21

You’re from Dublin? You’re a man? Shit, you practically ARE Conor McGregor.


December 22 – January 19

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a verruca, make verruca-ade.


January 20 – February 18

Why can’t you just lie down in the middle of the street? That guy in that Radiohead video did it.


February 19 – March 20

You forgot to put your biological clock back an hour, but it’ll right itself when they go forward in the Spring.

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