WWN Guide To Secretly Vetting That Muslim Lad In Work

AS everyone is now probably keenly aware, the entire planet’s 1.5 billion Muslims are massive terrorists.

However, sometimes it is hard to gauge whether or not you should employ or work alongside a Muslim and it’s even harder still to ask ‘are you a terrorist’ without coming off like you’re intentionally prejudiced against someone based on their religion or something you read in the Daily Mail.

With this in mind WWN has come up with a flawless guide on how to best vet that Muslim lad in work without him knowing:

Ease yourself into subtle conversations with the Muslim lad, introducing keywords to see what his reaction is. Depending on his reactions you can judge whether or not he is simply a fellow human being or an ISIS addicted bastard.

Topics and phrases such as ‘ah, those Paris attacks, class or what?’, ‘When I say ‘terrorism’ is the first word that comes into your mind ‘bad’ or ‘good’?’ and ‘now when you’re in your mosque would there many Osama Bin Laden types?’ These subtle conversation pieces allow you the luxury of assessing your Muslim co-worker while he remains none the wiser.

Utilise the resources around you. Why not chat with Peter in the office who worked in London in the 90s, ask him what sort of questions English people asked about being Irish and how that meant he loved the IRA killing people. It’s always important to learn from the Irish experience of bigotry and ignorance.

Tailor those questions Peter was asked so they are now applicable to your resident office terrorist and bask in how deft you’re handling of the situation is.

When he goes to the toilet to do whatever Muslims do in a toilet quickly check his internet search history. Has he looked up ISIS on wikipedia? That’s crazy, why would he need to read up on them if he’s already a member? This is so much more sinister than the time you typed ISIS into Google 74 times this year as you just kept forgetting how and why they started out.

Are you still getting nowhere with your extensive appraisal of your office Muslim? It may be time to break out the big guns: ‘Where are you from…you know…originally?’

If the answer back is ‘Ireland’ you’ll know this sly fucker of a Jihadi is taking the piss. Demand to see his birth cert, passport, and internal organs. He can’t just go around saying he’s Irish and expect us to believe him.

It’s important to be able to assess someone’s character, ideology and motivations from the smallest and seemingly insignificant gestures. Is your Muslim lad the type to take two sugars with his tea? I don’t think we need to point out what that means, but let’s just say it’s not good is it?

There will always be a potential blow back when vetting Muslims, you’ll know your cover is blown if they start asking you if you agree with all the passages in the Bible that encourage violence and misogyny. At this point, slowly back away and ring the CIA on 1800-THE-CIA.