WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You only have one Tinder match, and you’re fairly sure it’s one of your mates taking the piss.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You stop and talk to a charity mugger, just to have someone to talk to. It costs you a monthly standing order of €8.99, but it was so worth it!
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You will continue to sing what you believe the lyrics to “Here comes the hotstepper” are, even though you’re mostly just making sounds not words.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Go on, update your Adobe reader. It’ll be something to do.
leo
July 23 – August 22
Your homebrew beers tastes like the grey rubber bit that the door of a washing machine closes against. So, success!
virgo
August 23 – September 22
Don’t wave they’re not waving at you, they’re waving at someone behind you, do not wave, we repeat do NOT WAVE, ah for fuck sake.
libra
September 23 – October 22
Don’t tell those pigs nuthin’.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
That eye infection would go away if you would only take more time to rub the fuck out of it.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Maybe calm down a bit on the selection boxes, chief. It’s still November and you’re on your fourth.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You develop a severe and raging hatred for a man on the train that you’ve never met before and will never see again after you reach your stop. There’s just something about this prick that…UGH. What is his fucking problem?
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You notice that there’s a guy on the train giving you fucking evils for no real reason.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Oh yeah, Pisces, nearly forgot about you. Now, let’s see (rummages through bag)… nope, nothing for Pisces.