WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You begin to realise that you like the idea of Star Wars more than you actually like Star Wars. Those movies are terrible.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You go for a cheeky Nandos, but it gets a little too cheeky. Words are exchanged. A fight ensues.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
When the attractive woman at the checkout asked if would enter your pin, she meant into the laser machine.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You ain’t got time to bleed. Hell, none of us do. But some of us make time to bleed.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You lose the benefit of your coat after wearing it inside.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You go full Trump. Never go full Trump, man.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You reach a significant breakthrough with figuring out what the fuck is up with this shit.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You form an Irish dancing troupe that specialises in quelling dissent using meaningless, trite statements, and call it Jiggers With Platitudes.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
We’ll have your horoscope in a minute, we just have to take a slash.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You click “like” on a pro-feminist Facebook page. You’re practically Malala Yousafzai!
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A bit of Vitamin C would help clear up that cold, but what would you have to whine and bitch about then?
pisces
February 19 – March 20
There’s always one. And it’s always you.