Man’s Day Now Wide Open After Getting Wank Out Of The Way Early

THE cold, crisp air of a fresh morning holds a world of potential for one Dublin man, who is free to enjoy everything the day has to offer after getting his daily masturbation fix out of the way nice and early.

Eoghain Hand, 25, sorted himself out this morning at 8.45am, blowing his day wide open in the process.

The currently unemployed Ringsend native made the decision to tick his daily wank off the list before he had even had his breakfast, completely freeing up his morning for other activities such as watching telly and playing Xbox.

Like the majority of men, Eoghain needs a decent dose of masturbation at least once every 24 hours, to maintain a clear and focused mind and to prevent a buildup of harmful sperm in his testicles.

Hand normally sees to himself at around midday, cluttering up the day and eating into his lunchtime. In an exclusive interview with WWN, the pornography enthusiast stated that having his quick tug at the crack of dawn may become a permanent fixture from now on.

“It’s great that it’s not hanging over you all day,” said Hand, looking refreshed and vibrant.

“Usually I’m sitting there going, will I watch Frasier, or head to the jacks with my phone? Where do I stand on having a sandwich in all this? This morning, I said look, let’s just do this, get it over and done with. And then I found myself free for the rest of the day! I could do anything! I could go for a run! I mean, I’m not going to, but I might!”

As a surprising bonus effect, Hand found that pulling the stomach off himself at such an early hour meant that he had built up enough of a desire for another by four o’clock.