Revealed: What Keeps Your Girlfriend In The Changing Room For So Long

YOU’VE made the crucial mistake of accompanying your wife or girlfriend to a clothes shop; what were you thinking? Worse still, she appears to have taken a shine to a dress or a top or everything in the shop, and just wants to “nip in and try it on”.

You know what that means; a full hour of waiting for her at the changing rooms while everyone looks at you like you’re some sort of pervert or sad act. What in the world is keeping her so long? She’s only trying on a dress; that should be five minutes, tops!

So just what is it that your girlfriend is getting up to while you wear down the battery of your phone playing Angry Birds in Debenhams? WWN followed four women into the changing rooms to find out…

She’s having an affair

Your missus is playing you for a mug, son! While she nips in to try on a dress, she’s really nipping in to have a canoodle with her bit on the side. It’s all a big sex game. They get off on the fact that you’re just inches away, none the wiser. Think about it; does she ever actually buy anything? Thought so.

She’s receiving instructions from Moscow

You may know her as “your little schnuggles”, but really she’s more like Mother Russia’s little schnuggles! Join the dots, simpleton! Your missus is a red! A commie! A pinko! She gets regular intel fed to her via a special kiosk located at the back of the lady’s changing rooms in Dorothy Perkins. Don’t confront her about this, or you could find yourself tucking into a Polonium souffle!

She just needs five minutes away from your bullshit

Really, she just wants a bit of peace. She’s probably sitting in the little curtained-off changing bit, drinking a coffee and reading through a few web pages in peace, without having to listen to you play Call Of Duty or gripe about “that cunt at work”. This is her happy place. This is her holiday.

She’s been kidnapped

The woman you love was snatched the second she walked through the curtain! Bundled off in the back of a van by a shadowy government agency, and been replaced by a woman who has trained her whole life and undergone weeks of cosmetic surgery to replicate your missus down to the last detail. Why? Who knows! Go ask your fake-missus when you get home!