SICK of everyone telling you that you should carry a donor card, allowing others to benefit from your vital organs in the event of your death? So you should be! Those donor cards are just a way to cheat you out of organs that are rightfully yours, even after you die! And trust us, after your death, that’s when your organs become really useful; check out these 5 things that you get to do with all your inside bits after you get buried in the ground.
1) Use them to feed worms
Sure, your liver, kidneys, heart, eyes and pancreas could go on to give a sick person a vital chance at life, but how does that benefit the hundreds, if not thousands of worms and bugs that would otherwise feast on them as you lie in the grave? Granted, by the time the material of your coffin has disintegrated enough to allow such creatures access to your yummy corpse, these organs will have long passed the point of edibility, but still; there’s a chance a worm might have a nibble of your heart. Why deny him that?
2) Use them as ballast
You don’t want your coffin floating up through the ground and sailing away into the air, do you? No, you need enough material to weigh that thing down evenly, so the extra mass of your rapidly-desiccating organs are vital. Without them, your corpse might not be lying flat, and who wants to be at an uncomfortable tilt while dead? You’re in this for the long run, least you can be is comfy!
3) Give the air a pleasant aroma
Here’s one for fans of being cremated! Be sure to have your organs burned along with the rest of you, to add a hint of MMMMMMM… organ-ey goodness to the immediate vicinity of the cremation oven. There are many easy ways you could sign up online to be an organ donor, giving the gift of life to others after you’re gone, but why would you deny the guy working in the crematorium the delightful smell of your burnt up body in all its organ-filled glory?
4) Remain in mint condition
Rest (in peace) assured that the body in the coffin is in mint condition, with all the original parts! Granted, you will be dead at this point and nobody will ever see you again, plus you will decay away to nothing… but at least you’ll be buried with everything! Well, except for blood and bodily juices. And you’ll be full of embalming fluid. And you’ll be 100% dead. But you’ll still have your eyes dammit!
5) Stay smug for all eternity
You could have signed the back of your driver’s license, you could have picked up a donor card while you were in the chemists buying Strepsils, you could have simply told a family member or friend that you wanted to be a donor… but you didn’t, and boy aren’t you pleased with yourself! This air of smugness over how you could have helped save someone’s life, but chose to simply not bother will stay with you for all eternity in the afterlife, or until the second you die and absolute nothingness engulfs you. Either way, your death helped absolutely nobody; you win!