THERE’S nothing nicer than a home-cooked meal… BOLLOCKS. There’s one thing nicer than a meal you slaved over for hours: a meal that you ordered online and had delivered to your doorstep in less time than it would take you to wash some spuds. Here’s five reasons you should follow our lead here at Lovin’ Waterford and say maketh no dinner here: let’s get a take-the-fuck-away.
1) You might stab yourself
Are you a trained chef? Didn’t think so. Chefs train for years to hone their craft. Have you trained for years? Or are you just making this up based on what you’ve seen chefs do in the movie? Put that cheese grater down before you fucking hurt yourself.
2) You might poison yourself
Are you sure that chicken is cooked? We mean, REALLY sure. Because it could sicken or even kill you if it isn’t. What makes you think it’s properly prepared? It looks done? THAT’S what you’re banking your safety on… it LOOKS like it’s properly prepared? You’ve just admitted to us that you haven’t a fucking clue what you’re doing. Go get the laptop and order yourself a feed, before you give yourself the shits for a week.
3) The kitchen could explode
Your oven works on gas, or electricity. You fry with hot oil. Your microwave is powered by malevolent spirits, for all you know. Everywhere is danger. Nowhere is safety. Sit on your couch and order a Chinese on your phone, then watch telly until it arrives. Here is safety. Here is not danger.
4) A tiger kidnapping could kick off
You could be halfway through preparing a pathetic stew or something, when a group of Northsiders kick your door in and demand you take them to an ATM and withdraw a load of cash for them. What are you going to offer them instead? A half-cooked pot of meat and spuds? Wouldn’t you rather tell them that you’d just ordered a pizza on your laptop, and it’d be with you any moment? That’s the makings of a great night in with your new balaclava clad pals.
5) It’s nicer than anything you could ever cook and you don’t have to do anything and it’s not that expensive and it’s been a long day at work and you don’t feel like doing the washing up and you’ve just had a goo on you for a takeaway all day
It’s nicer than anything you could ever cook and you don’t have to do anything and it’s not that expensive an it’s been a long day at work and you don’t feel like doing the washing up and you’ve just had a goo on you for a takeaway all day.