HEY KIDS! Welcome to WWN KiDz, the coolest place to hang out! We’ve got all you need to have a great time, with lots and lots of fun things to do!
Today we’re going to be showing you how to make the biggest impact when you’re having a great big tantrum in public.
1) Obviously Mammy and Daddy are the big boss people at home, so it’s a waste of time pitching a fit in the playroom or the kitchen or the sitting room. If you want to get your way it’s best to do it in public. The bestest place to choose is a crowded and busy shopping centre. Some shops are busier than others, so maybe Penneys or Tesco, they have lots of grownups in them, but it’s important to use your fingers to help you count how many people are there. 1, 2, 3, 4, 9, 7, 6, yeah that should be enough.
2) What do you want? Once you know you want some num nums, (chocolate or jelly babies are our favourite) demand them instantly, and whatever you do don’t stop screaming until you’ve gotten what you want. If Mammy says ‘I thought you were a big girl/boy’ use that as a reminder to use your big big boy/girl lungs and screaming the place down.
3) Don’t be afraid to improvise. Your tantrum may be all about wanting sweets, or just being tired as fuck, but if you want to make the biggest impact and gain the upper hand throw in a few lines from your Daddy’s favourite Tarantino movie he watches when you go to bed. Or if you’re serious about getting want you want just shout ‘no Mammy, don’t hit me again, the owie bruises from the last time have only just gone away’.
Another option is to draw red marker on your arms before heading out, from a distance big peoples think it looks like blood.
4) If all your screaming and shouting has come to nothing, Mammy may think she has won, but all is not lost. Be nice and quiet, and when Mammy isn’t looking put something expensive and pretty Mammy said she liked into the trolley or your pram, hide it out of sight.
Now when the security guard stops Mammy and asks when she has a Nepresso machine hidden in your pram you can say ‘remember Mammy, you said you couldn’t be fucked paying for it, so you said you’d steal it and if I said nothing I’d get a treat. Mammy? Remember!’
That’ll teach Mammy to think she can short change you with just one square of a chocolate bar she keeps in her handbag as back up.