SOMETIMES walking around town with your top off on a day that isn’t very sunny while drinking a can of Monster energy drink and spitting every five seconds isn’t enough to inform the world that you’re a proper hard bastard. Sometimes, all the tribal tattoos and gold jewelry in the world doesn’t get across the message that you’re not to be messed with. Sometimes, you need a bit more. You need a dog.
And not just any dog: you need a dog that will cause people to be cautious as they approach, and fear for their safety. This will help you, by proxy, also appear threatening and scary! But owning a dangerous dog isn’t easy… here’s a few tips to get you started.
You can’t buy a dangerous dog
There’s no such thing as an off-the-shelf dangerous dog: all dogs are fairly sound, straight out of the womb. You can’t walk into a shop and say, “one dangerous dog, please”. No, it’s up to you as an owner to take a cute little puppy and train it to be a four-legged menace. There are many ways to turn a good dog bad, but the easiest method is to just treat the dog like shit until it’s natural instinct to attack kicks in. Technically, there is no such thing as a “dangerous breed”, so your pitbull is just going to be a big ol’ bag of cuddles until he learns to perceive everything unfamiliar to him as a threat. And what kind of idiot would you be if you didn’t teach him?
Assure people that your dog “won’t touch them”
When you’re out walking your pooch through town, you may find that his snarls and growls frighten people as they pass by. This is exactly why you bought the dog in the first place, so be sure to relish every moment! Assure any terrified parent or child that your dog “won’t go near them”, even as he snarls and strains on his leash. If they continue to look uncomfortable, you should add in more lines, although in a mocking tone that suggests they’re cowards. “Are ye afraid of him, or something?”, works well. “Afraid of a dog, what are ye fuckin’ like”.
People’s safety around your dog is their problem, not yours
Look, we know you’re busy lying around the house all day, so you can’t keep an eye on your dog all the time. There will be times when he’ll go for a wander around town, maybe attack someone randomly, terrorise a family, whatever. That’s not on you, man: that’s their fault for not knowing the best way to deal with a dog that has reverted to a feral state after years of neglect. Besides, if the dog bites someone, all that happens is he’ll get put down. You’re not going to be put down: you’ll be grand. You can get another dog next week. Plenty of dogs around. Relax.