IF you suffer from debilitating hangovers which knock you for a loop then you have probably tried almost all remedies to find a way of easing your post-drinking pain.
However, beyond the standard old wives tales, cocaine pick me ups and flat 7 Up, WWN has found a number of little known alternatives which can cure any hangover.
1) Cover your body entirely in kittens. Then kill them. Don’t know where to get 15-20 kittens? That’s not our problem, we just give you the method. Don’t use kittens over the age of 6 weeks, it just doesn’t work.
Allow for the usual discomfort of being shit or pissed on along with the blood that comes from murdering innocent kittens, but once your head is rid of that throbbing sound and you don’t feel like vomiting you’ll be glad you did it. The killing of the kittens doesn’t come easy to some, but c’mon do you want rid of this hangover or not?
2) Watch the Shining in reverse. A horror classic which is etched in the mind of many movie fans, but sadly watched in its normal form it’s utterly useless for curing a hangover, if anything it just makes it worse. In reverse the tail of a mad man lost to a snowstorm rescued by a mother and son before being coaxed back from madness, finally leaving a hotel bathed in sunlight is just the heartwarming tale that defuses the potent one-two punch of drinking, and drinking some more.
3) Run yourself a nice hot bath. Not lukewarm. Your head is thumping, you’re probably cursing the fact that you’ve been got shifaced these past 12 years of your drinking life so make it a hot one. The twist on this mainstay of the post-drinking ritual is of course to scald yourself so horrifically that a headache will be the least of your worries.
Third degree burns can occur at a temperature of 60 degrees, but just to be sure you’re banishing that banging headache ramp that up to 80 degrees. Finally, do all this while reciting the alphabet in under 8 seconds and you’re home free.
4) Amazingly writing yourself a letter about how you’ll never give in to sustained peer pressure to drink to excess and burying exactly 4.37 miles from the nearest pub clears your heads without fail. Make sure the letter pulls no punches though, and is buried at least 4 feet underground.
5) Kicking a 37-year-old man named David in his left shin is the ultimate cure for that banging hangover that just won’t let up. It’s so effective in fact that many people go straight to the pub afterwards to start drinking again right away. Apologising to Nigel for landing him with a sore shin is optional.