7 Things No One Tells You About Giving Birth

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DESPITE childbirth being one of the most monumental experiences any woman can go through, many are reluctant to share their experiences, owing to the fact that some of the more ‘gory’ details can put people off.

Newly expectant mothers therefore are deprived of essential knowledge, but WWN is here to change that with 7 things no one tells you about giving birth:

1) We’ve often heard that giving birth for women involves the equivalent of pushing a watermelon through a hole the size of a grape, but ladies, that’s just some old wives tale that holds no weight. The act of giving birth is actually the equivalent of pushing a Boeing 747 through a hole the size of a peanut.

2) Despite efforts by the media and wider society to position women against men, in a timeless battle of the sexes, men are actually finely attuned to the pain women go through while giving birth and are always hugely supportive and sympathetic. And as such, when men explain that getting hit in the testicles is actually 457 times more painful than childbirth, they are in fact correct and such assertions should be respected and go unchallenged. Facts are facts.

3) Almost 90% of women experience virtually the same type of contractions, which may surprise many people. However, what is more surprising and amazing is that the most commonly experienced contractions happen with such frequency that they go along perfectly to the beat of Daft Punk’s dance monster hit Harder, Better, Stronger, Faster.

4) It may not surprise you to learn, but nevertheless it’s a very valid point. Almost instantly after giving birth and welcoming your child into the world, it will begin acting the complete bollocks by crying. It can completely ruin what is an otherwise joyous occasion.

5) Ladies, sorry to break it to you, but you know, it can rip… you know what we’re talking about. And if you don’t, whatever you do, don’t Google it, the images can be terrifying and tear inducing. We can barely bring ourselves to say it, but many pregnant women experience the excruciating pain of ripping their favourite pair of jeans in the days and hours leading up giving birth. Many women stubbornly refuse to give up their hard fought for killer style during pregnancy, but as giving birth draws closer jeans are often asked to do too much and then comes the rip.

6) While some mother’s opt for an epidural, this next bit of information might convince all other mothers to follow suit. The injection, which numbs nerves and stops you feeling pain, is also a class addition to any night out dancing to proper quality dance tunes, so make sure to send a knowing nod and wink to healthcare staff while also slipping them an extra €20 for a few more syringes full of the good stuff.

7) Unfortunately, some births can be long and protracted, but one way to speed up any birth is to play songs by the unmistakably smooth crooner Barry White. This has been known to speed up the process no end. If you can’t get your hands on any of White’s classic, Ed Sheeran is a terrible substitute.

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