WITH the Rugby World Cup set to kick off this evening, and Ireland’s first match to follow against Canada tomorrow, literally thousands of fans still have no idea how to jump on the bandwagon.
But, fear not WWN has an essential list of ways you can do just that:
1) When at a pub which is showing an Ireland game, make sure to remark ‘oh, how I love the rugby’. Say it with a certainty and confidence. Shortly after this, make sure to make an observation about the game such as ‘my, that Keith Woods is a very good player, is that a new haircut?’, or ‘I simply love when someone scores a try, that is my favourite part. As a long time fan of the rugby of course I know it is worth 5 points’.
Welcome to the inner sanctum of rugby bandwagon expert. And don’t forget this is an All-Ireland team, made up of a combination of players from Ireland, Northern Ireland and Hawaii.
2) Cover your entire body in green paint. Leave no orifice untouched, these rugby mad bastards can spot an imposter a mile off so you need to commit to this. They have been known to inspect arseholes for evidence of fresh paint without a moment’s notice.
3) Remember, the Irish rugby team is nicknamed Schmidt’s Shits, so-called after Ireland’s Australian coach Jeff Schmidt. And if you really want to engratiate yourself into the rugby world, it’s time to learn Ireland’s special all purpose anthem ‘Call on Me’ which was written by Phil Spector. Legend. “Caaaaall on meeeeee”. What a classic.
4) Adopt a player. These schemes are operated by the IRFU in the run up to big tournaments, but you will have to act fast as only a few players remain available for adoption. Once you’ve adopted your player, you have exclusive rights when it comes to shouting at them as they appear on the television, and you can talk affectionately about them as if the two of you are friends.
Coming up with a pet name for your player will also make it look like you’re hip to the rugby jive. Pretending he was a few years behind or ahead of you in school can prove valuable too.
5) Learn your Irish rugby history. Having 24/7 access to Wikipedia on the sly is essential too. Did you know Bryan Driscolls has the record number of tries for Ireland? That’s a lot of persistence. Or how about when the Ireland team missed their flight to France in 2007 and didn’t take part?
And who could forget Peter Stringfellow not only was he a class scrum quarter, but he also owns some strip clubs. Hero.