WWN Guide To Pretending You’ve Got Your Life Sorted Out

IS your soul gnawing away at itself on the inside as the ongoing running commentary in your head has switched from playing the uplifting music of Arcade Fire or some such hipstery racket only to be replaced by a loud booming voice which proudly pronounces ‘you’re only a bag of shite’?

Well then, WWN’s guide to pretending you’ve your life sorted may just be for you.

Small, simple gestures, made to those around you, will keep the wool pulled over their eyes, leaving the impression that your limbs are under your command and you can walk out into the world like the big girl or boy you supposedly are.

First stop on your journey to Sorted Town, population you, is to proclaim out loud that you got yourself dressed all by yourself. If you deliver the announcement with enough confidence your friends won’t question it, they may even praise you.

Do you find yourself in the occasional formal setting of a restaurant or wine reception?

Use a knife and fork to slowly and methodically cut your food into smaller more manageable pieces. With wine, small gulps without taking your eye off your glass. If you’re successful in this no one will suspect that you’re the type of person that wears your underwear for a second day running because just the thought of taking them off to put on a new pair exhausted you completely.

Nod and smile in response to every friend or work colleague who talks about getting married, having kids and buying houses like it doesn’t make you want to scream out loud and say ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’.

Each nod builds slowly to form a solid foundation on which you can continue to fake being a functional adult. No one needs to know you’ve had beans on toast for dinner for the last five days in a row. Or that you still don’t quite know how to work the heating in your apartment.