MEN, you are the worst, honestly. What have you done now? Regardless, calling your significant other ‘the missus’ was an awful start to things anyway.
WWN’s special women’s female affairs correspondent Miss Anne Trope provides you with the essential guide to apologising for whatever you did you complete and utter bastard:
Guys, guys, guys, we’ve been here before you’ve wronged the one you love and now it’s time to fumble inarticulately towards what you believe resembles an apology, but it will in all likelihood just frustrate and anger your partner yet again. Verbal communications are so yesterday. Allow me to bring an end to your idiotic pleas for forgiveness.
A simple apology not working? What the fuck have you done, you utter monster? Take your partner by surprise by immediately absconding to a small rural village in Africa and dedicate your life to caring for those less fortunate than yourself.
Chances are your lady friend will be so bewildered by this move she’ll forget all about that prostitute you murdered in a moment of madness. Updating your Facebook of pictures of smiling African children, and you can expect the welcome mat rolled out once more by your missus.
Moving to Africa not for you? Have you lost the house thanks to a gambling addiction, or have just slept with her sister? It’s time to bundle the love of your life into the back of a van and straight to a church, what better way to show you’ve learned from your mistakes by ignoring them and instead finally giving in and getting married?
Is the more material apology something you can handle? Buying clothes or jewellery just won’t cut it these days, so has your other half mentioned a good looking friend or work colleague who they seem to irrationally hate? Why not hunt them down and kill them, then leave their corpse at the back door as an apologetic offering. This really is foolproof.
Kidnapping Ryan Gosling and enticing him to have sex with your girlfriend/wife through thinly veiled threats of certain death if he doesn’t comply is the last hope you’ll have of turning things around. Sure, you’ll end up in prison, but your missus will be forever grateful and she’ll be ready to forgive you.