Things not really ticking along in the bedroom like you want them to? Well, read on for ways to enhance the fun courtesy of our resident sex expert, who has had sex multiple times, Miss Anne Trope:
Note, these suggestions will require a partner so if that is something you can’t achieve cease reading immediately.
1) Safe words are so passe. It’s time to come up with an unsafe word. An unsafe word allows your partner to consensually include all manner of whacky elements to the bedroom. A balloon animal? A cactus? A giraffe? The Chinese Water Polo team? It’s all possible with an unsafe word. We recommend using ‘spatula’, the word not the item. Repeat, do not use a spatula.
2) It’s always good to keep your partner guessing, why not introduce some hide and seek? Just send a text to your partner which reads ‘find me’ and let the fun begin in earnest. Due to fallout from a previous list I must point out that when playing hide and seek, do not hide underwater in a locked tank. Apologies again to the wife of Alan Hemming, but honestly, Sarah, how was I supposed to know he’d do that?
3) For some, it is all about the thrill of sexual satisfaction, but many consider the best way to spice up things in the bedroom is to browse IKEA endlessly looking for the perfect set of new sheets, pillow cases and duvet covers. If you take up this sensual pursuit you won’t be alone in confessing to climaxing after a particularly intensive scan through IKEA’s extensive bedside locker range.
4) Some people would have you believe that you can have good sex by communicating to your partner what you want, like or need. Bullshit. One of the few ways to spice up your love life is by reading the sex advice, tips from Cosmopolitan magazine’s prudish intern who had sex three summers ago that one time and won’t shut up about it.
5) Partner swapping is always a win-win. Once again, due to someone taking my advice the wrong way I must stress partner swapping should not result in the kidnapping of anyone.
6) Invite your mate Mick around. Always good for a laugh, the Nation’s Michaels can provide helpful commentary to the act of sex, and if needed can step in for either partner should they grow bored or simply need a rest.
7) Fuck someone’s brains out. Not for the faint hearted, but if you are the adventurous type, a certain hip swivel to pelvic thrust ratio can be achieved, which will result in the best sex of your life but ultimately kill you as your brains become completely fucked out. Well worth it, but might be one to think over with your partner before trying. The necessary tutorial videos can be found online. WWN’s sex column takes no responsibility for the fucked out brains of its readers.
Honourable mentions which didn’t quite make the list include ‘just fuck him’, ‘just fuck her’, ‘playing with food including coffee, toast and pineapple’ and ‘being all sexy and stuff’.