First Transatlantic Flight From Knock Welcomes Cardinal Who Paid Off Paedophile Priests

TAOISEACH Enda Kenny was on hand to greet the first transatlantic flight to Knock this weekend, as it welcomed devout and hopefully well-off Catholics on a pilgrimage to Knock.

Also attending is Cardinal of New York Timothy Dolan, who in his capacity as head of the Archdiocese of Milwaukee previously oversaw one-off large sum payments to paedophile priests.

“Ah, honestly, would you cop onto yourselves, have ya any clue how much these yanks are going to spend while they’re here? I just sold one of them a rake of shamrocks for €1,000. Don’t be getting in the way of that with your morals thanks very much,” asserted local entrepreneur James O’Donnell.

While the flight to Knock represents a timely boost to the local economy, evidenced by the fact the leader of the country deemed it necessary he personally attend, several members of the public are said to be frustrated by fuss made. Organisers are said to have resisted pressure to move the apparition to Dublin’s 3 Arena.

“It’s commendable that the Taoiseach would want to greet the flight himself, as there are votes to secure in his home county, but what’s less commendable is the presence, on invite, of a priest who thought it was a fantastic idea to pay upwards of $20,000 to priests who were accused of raping children,” explained casual observer of Irish life and Mayo resident Cormac Tracey.

Regular Knock attendees were said to be delighted by the presence of Cardinal Dolan as they feared it would be impossible to top previous speaker Cardinal Brady, who is similarly sullied due to his cover up of abuse here in Ireland but delivered an amazing pyrotechnics heavy surmon several years ago.

“Let me get this straight, some tourists are visiting Knock to have a nose around because in 1879 some lads say they saw the mother of Jesus in the sky, and the Taoiseach is queuing up to greet them,” offered Clare native Susan Rafferty, “Jaysus must be serious money in it so,” added Rafferty as she considered whether or not she had any old shite to flog to attending tourists.

Cardinal Dolan has been given the honour of opening the annual Knock Novena, despite the fact he openly denied assertions that priests were paid lump sums as to ease their removal from the priesthood only for it to later emerge he lied.

Such payments were detailed in the minutes of a meeting of a finance committee of the Milwaukee Diocese, with the revelation prompting survivors advocacy group Survivors Network to ask “in what other occupation, especially one working with families and operating schools and youth programs, is an employee given a cash bonus for raping and sexually assaulting children?”